The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
