he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
