goodnight i made you a song goodbye
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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