So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just had sex on a roof
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
