I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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