you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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