I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
