so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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