His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
