Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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