I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
