You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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