I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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