I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
