Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
