Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
