She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
