Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
