in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
