i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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