I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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