a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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