we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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