i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
