At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
