Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just threw up on my dentist
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
