it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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