I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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