Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
