3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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