I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
