The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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