i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
