beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i've created a new STD.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
