so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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