We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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