Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
