my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
