I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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