Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
