WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize