I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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