girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
