Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
