Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
