Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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