I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
