she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Houston, we have a blender
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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