I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
