Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
