girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
