During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
