I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
