i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
