Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
