God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
