For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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