I wish my penis had an off switch
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
