So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
