Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
