It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
