I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I know her cup size but not her name....
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
