I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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