he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
