I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize