life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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