you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
