dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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