So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
