matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
