It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Come on in and take your pants off
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