Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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