i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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